Spring is in the air, flowers are blooming, and Mother’s Day is just around the corner. It’s a delightful time to celebrate one of our country’s least controversial holidays in peace and quiet. (I mean, how can anyone disagree with throwing a party for moms?!) Well, that was the case. This year, you can chuck the copacetic vibes out the window, because the internet has divided us on exactly who should be honored on this arbitrary date in May. 

Thanks to a few hot takes, moms and grandmas alike are sharing why they think the older generation should step aside and let the moms in the trenches take the spotlight. That includes encouraging younger moms to celebrate Mother’s Day their own way, without the hassle of scheduling visits with the grandmas or arranging long-drawn out brunches with the entire extended family. (Though, they do mention that these family members can and should be celebrated on a different day.) 

Emily Wehner is one of those who has shared her alternate plans for the day: “I like to usually go out to brunch and then we come home and garden, and I like to have some alone time while gardening, and then read my book for a little bit and get a pedicure, and then we have like a family dinner. It’s usually just very chill at home.”

Similarly, @MoreThanGrand on TikTok says, “As for that big family brunch, plan it to celebrate your birthday, or hold it on Saturday, so that the other mothers in the family can have the Mother’s Day celebration that they want.”

Two scenarios seem to be driving the take-back Mother’s Day narrative. One is the perceived expectation that you will shuttle your kids around to the grandmothers’ houses or attend hours-long brunches, which leaves little time for you to spend the day how you wish. As one mom commented, “I’m so tired of wasting my Mother’s Day on my mom and MIL when I’m a mom, too! I don’t wanna run around to both houses just to gift them when I can do it a day before or after.”

The second is, admittedly, a trickier situation, and involves having a family matriarch who refuses to share the love, while simultaneously making demands on how everyone is expected to show up and worship her appropriately. As another commenter wrote, “My oldest is 17. My MIL has never once acknowledged me as a mother on Mother’s Day. It’s 100% her show.”

I… have some thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, if you want to set boundaries around your Mother’s Day so you get to do exactly what you want with your time, that’s okay! And for those who fall into the unequivocally toxic mom/MIL camp, I whole-heartedly say you do you. But also consider this: relationships are messy, sometimes compromise is involved, and, yes, other times there are boundaries that must be set to preserve your sanity. That said, really examine whether this day—Mother’s Day—is the one where you want to say “We will not be seeing Grandma today, thank you very much.”

As the TikTokers mentioned, celebrating people (including you!) on non-designated holiday dates is a winning strategy. Emily’s day sounds objectively lovely, but here’s my big question: why can’t that happen every weekend? Go get a pedicure alone on Saturday morning or make a point to garden with your kids every Sunday afternoon. If you are clinging to Mother’s Day as the only time you get a break, you might want to start setting some boundaries in your daily life to get the regular “me” time you deserve. 

It’s taken me almost four years, but I’m no longer shy about saying I need a break to go do whatever I want for a few hours. Sometimes I even go see—gasp—my own mom! We all have busy lives. My brother and sister-in-law are running their two kids all over town, my mom and stepdad have their own schedules, and between work, play dates, and activities, my family’s life is pretty booked up. It’s actually nice to have a date on the calendar where I know we will all be together. 

Becoming a mom changed me in so many ways, but one is that I started appreciating the moms in my life more. I understood their motivations, I was grateful for their wisdom and guidance, and I cherished our bond—the no-judgment-welcome-to-motherhood looks when my then-toddler had a tantrum on the floor or the “we get it” texts when my son was sick for the millionth time and couldn’t make it to a family dinner. I actually want to honor the moms in my life because I love them and they have lifted me up on this journey. For me, having brunch with these women isn’t taking away from my own celebration of motherhood, it’s adding to it. 

Unless you have a truly toxic relationship with the moms, grandmas, or other maternal figures in your life, it’s worthwhile to make an effort to celebrate the joy of being a mom with the people in your family who truly get it, including if you’re really lucky—your own grandma—for a day. (I don’t want to die on this hill, but, seriously, take the opportunity while you can.) 

If you’re still on the fence, ask yourself this: do you really only get one day to relax and hang out with your immediate family? If the answer is no (and it should be, tbh), try reframing this holiday as a chance to get together with the people you love for an hour of eating fancy waffles (and what the hell, enjoy a mimosa, too) to recognize that we are all here on this planet together for a brief time, and it’s kind of a beautiful thing.