Tell me if this sounds familiar: you vent your frustrations about struggling to conceive to your closest friend or family member, and that person responds with something positive and hopeful that completely ignores your feelings and your grief. Maybe you call a friend disappointed by your egg retrieval numbers, and they tell you that you can always adopt. Or over the holidays, your aunt says that you just need to relax and everything will work out.
You, my friend, now have personal experience with toxic positivity. This lovely social phenomenon is never fun to deal with, but it seems to particularly rear its ugly head when people are trying to empathize with fertility struggles.
Here, we’ll lay out everything you need to know about toxic positivity: what it is, how to respond to it, and how to not do it to others. We hope this article brings you comfort knowing that you’re not alone in your feelings and frustrations…and that it also serves as a resource you can forward to any particularly—er—chipper relatives you might be seeing as you start fertility treatments or trying to conceive.
What Is Toxic Positivity?
“Toxic positivity is the tendency to overemphasize and enforce positive thinking and attitudes, even when it may not be appropriate or realistic,” says Kenzi Locks, a licensed clinical social worker and family building coach at Growforth Family Building.
When someone is being toxically positive, they put so much emphasis on being optimistic at all costs that they aren’t supporting the person’s true emotions. While the toxic positivity likely comes from a good place of wanting to make you feel better, it can often leave you feeling worse.
“It feels like I’ve experienced every kind of toxic positivity there can be on my journey to motherhood through failed treatments, through foster-to-adopt placements falling through, secondary infertility, and miscarriage,” says Nina Correa White, a writer and artist. “I’ve been surprised by how quickly people I don’t know are willing to chime in with their, ‘My friend/sister/co-worker’s barista tried for years, and as soon as they stopped trying, they got pregnant.’ I’ve heard the ‘Just enjoy the time you have without kids’ as we went month after month for years waiting for the positive pregnancy test that never came.”
“My friends meant well but clearly didn’t understand the varying reasons for infertility and the statistical likelihood of treatment being successful,” says Courtney Weaver, a licensed clinical social worker and therapist. “People often shared, ‘It only takes one egg!’ and ‘I know someone who...’ followed by a natural conception post-failed IVF attempt, without really knowing my own story or how it might differ.”
If you’ve ever heard any of these phrases, then you have been subjected to toxic positivity:
“At least you know you can get pregnant!”
“Just do IVF/adopt.”
“Don’t stress and it will happen!”
“God doesn’t make mistakes.”
“Just enjoy your time without kids!”
“Be grateful for what you have!”
Why Is Toxic Positivity So Harmful?
“When folks show up with toxic positivity for someone going through fertility treatment, they're often suppressing or denying that person's difficult (but valid and authentic) emotions and experiences in favor of them putting on an overly optimistic facade,” Locks says. “This is harmful because it dismisses or invalidates genuine feelings of sadness, anger, grief, or pain, which are natural and essential parts of the human experience…we cannot process and heal from what we deny and suppress.”
“The worst thing about infertility is feeling invalidated in the pain you’re experiencing,” Correa White says. “With each new month that I didn’t get pregnant, I was having to grieve the loss of what I’d always envisioned my life to be. I grieved the loss of an easy conception, of having fun trying, of having anticipation rather than anxiety as I waited in front of a blinking pregnancy test.”
Furthermore, Locks points out that being unrelentingly positive can cause the person going through treatment to be harder on themselves and thus feel more isolated—like they are being too sensitive or that there is something wrong because what is working for other people isn’t working for them. This can lead to depression and anxiety.
This was Correa White’s experience: “I felt like the loneliest person in the world and the only person on earth motherhood didn’t come easy to,” she says.
What Should You Say to a Friend Who’s Going Through It?
I’ll be the first to admit that it can be difficult to tell the difference between positivity that is helpful and that is harmful. Even as someone who went through IVF and has experienced toxic positivity, I have found myself using this same type of language when responding to others. What I’ve had to learn is that, as much as you want your friend to feel better, positivity is often not what they need.
“What I wouldn’t have given to just have someone tell me how much it all sucked and that they were sorry,” Correa White says. “I think the first time that actually happened, I cried with relief.”
“If you think what you're saying is going to fix everything, you're likely veering into toxic positivity,” Locks says. “Very rarely is what we say going to fix something as complicated and emotional as fertility treatment.”
“Fertility treatment can leave a person hopeless and negative, so if you, or a friend, are feeling that way I think the antidote is openness, not positivity,” Weaver says. “Make an effort to know your friend’s story, their odds, and their options for a path forward. It's also important to keep your judgments about finances, risk, donor material, adoption, or other questions to yourself—particularly if you haven't been there. Treat an infertile person like you would another grieving person, because it's a similar process.”
A good rule of thumb is that, if someone texts you about grief and you use an exclamation point in your response, you are probably not on the right track.
For example, don’t say, “I just know this next IVF transfer is going to work for you!” (Note: the unwelcome exclamation point.) As Locks explains, this response projects positivity without allowing the person going through the transfer to share their thoughts and emotions about it.
Instead, Locks recommends saying, "I truly hope this transfer works out. I want you to know that I support and love you no matter how it goes. How are you feeling about it?"
“That expresses realistic optimism,” says Locks. “It offers love and support no matter the outcome. It asks about their feelings instead of just projecting.”
Other helpful phrases:
"I'm sorry you're going through this"
"Is there anything I can do to support you?"
"This sounds incredibly painful/difficult/stressful/disappointing/expensive."
How Can You Respond to Toxic Positivity Aimed at You?
If you experience toxic positivity from someone you’re not close with, like a coworker or an acquaintance, the best response may just be to smile, nod, and focus on taking care of yourself.
“You are not the spokesperson for infertile women everywhere,” says Weaver. “A great pivot is, ‘I spend so much time thinking about this stuff, let's talk about you!’”
However, if the comments are coming from a close friend, Weaver says it may be helpful to attempt to educate them. Remind them that treatment is really hard and that you’re allowed to have rough days or feel angry.
“You can love someone, have them be a great member of your support system, and realize they can't be a member of your family building support system,” says Locks. “That group may be small. Not everyone is able to show up how we need, but it doesn't mean the relationship isn't valuable to us in other ways.”
Unfortunately, some people may experience toxic positivity from their medical team. In that situation, Locks recommends saying something like, "It's been a long road and I've found it hard to hear such positive statements. Would you be open to simply wishing me well on this next round?” Weaver also found it helpful to ask your team for statistics rather than the best possible outcome stories. “Personally, I held space for the data and my own hope to be in the successful minority,” she said. “I called it ‘hopeful, but not optimistic’ and asked my physician to do the same.
A Few Final Thoughts
Trying to conceive can be very stressful and having compassion for yourself is important. You will feel a range of emotions, from anger to sadness to hopelessness to hopefulness to excitement. Ultimately, the result is unknown and out of your hands. “Fertility treatments are one area of life where effort does not equal outcome,” says Locks. “This is not studying for a test and therefore getting an A."
Weaver echoes, “Being relentlessly positive does not earn you a baby!”
Whether you are encountering toxic positivity or trying to help a loved one without dipping into the territory of unwelcome and unhelpful comments, it’s important to acknowledge and hold space for the variety of experiences and emotions that come with fertility. Often, this is the first step to truly moving forward.
