Finding postpartum mom friends who you actually click with is like winning the lottery. They get you because they are you. They’re out there just trying to figure out why their baby is fussy every five minutes and whether or not life will ever feel normal again. Here’s the hard part: most of us don’t have a built-in posse of moms in the exact same postpartum stage as us, which means not only do we have to learn how to bond with a brand new baby, but we also have to go out and make meaningful relationships with adults. 

In the interest of protecting your time—and sanity—we’ve come up with some red flags to be aware of when you’re out there making new postpartum mom friends. If you see these things, you can decide to proceed with caution or cut your losses and try again at the storytime across town. Remember, these behaviors exist on a continuum of annoying to toxic, so even if you meet someone who has some of these tendencies, it’s ultimately up to you whether it’s a friendship worth pursuing. 

The Baby Story One-Upper Mom

We all love hearing stories from the trenches of new motherhood. But if you find that every time you tell a funny (or horrifying) story about your adventures in being a parent, and this potential friend always jumps in with an even more outlandish story to top yours, you may be sparring with a chronic baby story one-upper. 

It’s not necessarily a toxic behavior, but it’s nice to be heard when it comes to the insanity that happens when you’re newly postpartum. Sometimes all you need is someone to listen and validate your experience with a simple, “Wow, your baby was being next level.”

The Obsessive Milestone Comparer Mom

This one is easy to fall into because every mom is curious about how their baby matches up with other kids their age. For some people though, the constant comparison can either be a form of reassurance-seeking or a trigger for anxiety to spiral out of control, depending on the day or milestone in question. If this type of conversation is getting to be too much, first try to keep things in perspective. There is a huge range for when babies will meet milestones, and just because one mom says her baby is sleeping through the night at four days old and yours isn’t, you’re not doing anything wrong. If the comparisons always come with an air of superiority or judgment, though, it might be time to stroll the other way. 

The Judgy Mom

This mom has a tendency to slide subtle digs into seemingly normal conversations. It may be an off-handed comment about how she thinks breastfeeding is a breeze after you literally just told her your painful feeding saga that ended with formula. Or maybe she can’t help but list off all the beautiful parts of childbirth you missed out on because you didn’t have an unmedicated home birth. 

These are the types of moms who can’t seem to see past their own experiences as mothers to make room for people who’ve had a different journey. If you find that you feel worse when you hang out with this person, consider cutting her loose.

The Mom That Can Only Talk About Her Baby

We get it, becoming a mom changes everything. You’re in so deep with your baby’s every burp, cry, toot, and wiggle, you don’t have the capacity for much else. Still, we are all whole people outside of our roles as mothers, and sometimes it’s nice to remember that. If you go to coffee and find that this person is dominating the conversation to gush about every mundane detail of their baby’s life—and you can’t get a word in edgewise—you might just be better off popping in your headphones and listening to your favorite podcast…alone. 

The Mom Who Tries to Diagnose Your Baby

Every once in a while a mom will come along—who probably means well—who puts things in your head that they have no business telling a new parent. Unless this person is a medical professional and your baby is in immediate distress, it’s really not appropriate for them to armchair diagnose other people’s children. You have enough on your mind—and you probably see your pediatrician regularly—so trust that the professionals in your life will let you know if they have concerns about your baby’s development. You certainly don’t need this “friend” to tell you on a random Tuesday at the park. If it happens once, maybe let it slide. If it happens twice—you have our permission to lose her number, permanently.